Lawyers Abode (Classic) - Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer. Saint Peter: "This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it." Lucifer: "If you want it fixed, you pay for it." Saint Peter: "The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount." Lucifer: "Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!"
Screen Door - Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets!
My very first time! - The night was young, the moon was high, We were alone just she and I. Her hair was soft her eyes were blue, I new just what she wanted me to do, Her skin was smooth her legs were fine. I ran my finger down her spin. I don't know how but i tried my best, As I placed my hand on her breast. I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart. And slowly she spread her legs apart. And when I did it I felt no shame, And all at once white stuff came. At last it is finished, it's all over now. My first time ever... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...Milking a cow! (And what were YOU thinking about?)
Wrong Nails - Dum and Dummer were roughing in a house when Dummer sees Dum throwing away half the nails. "Hold it!", says Dummer."Why are you throwing all those nails away?" "Because.", says Dum. "The heads are on the wrong end." "You dummy!", replies Dummer." Those are for the other side of the house!"
Small - Q.What are three, two letter words that describe small? A. Is it in?
Museum Funny! - Q: What did King Tut say to the museum? A: I want my mummy!
On the right track? - A brunette was walking on the railroad tracks saying, "21... 21.... 21...." when a blonde jumped on. A train came and the brunette jumped off...the train hit the blonde. The Brunette then got back onto the tracks and started saying, "22.....22......22....."
Backwards Panties - What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards? She gets her ass chewed out.
Cheer - Q: What's the blonde's cheer? A: "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B. L. O. N. . . . ah, oh well. . I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea. . . "
Insults - You're so ugly, yo momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get the dog to play with you. Yo momma's so fat that the last time that she wore a T-shirt with a X on it a helicopter tried to land on her. Your dog is so dumb that if you were to cut off his tail and make him walk backwards he'd start wagging his head!
Welfare Claim Statements - I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead. This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it? Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows for sure. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it? Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference. I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
Building the Ark - And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind ofliving thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the Proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
Confucious say - Confucious say... All who fly upside-down have crack up. He who stand on toilet high on pot. He who shits brick has square hole. Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.
True Lawyer Statements - Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren’t funny - unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide... 1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2) Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning? 3) Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’ Q: Did he kill you? 4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6) Were you alone or by yourself. 7) How long have you been a French Canadian? 8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind? 9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That’s me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I’ll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time? 13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14) So you were gone until you returned? 15) Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls? 16) You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.” 20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so? A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Trouble at tax time! - A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada's IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!" "Simple", replied the Priest..."It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"